I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
