Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
