You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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