why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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