i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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