Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
