I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
