Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
