there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
