I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
