normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize