He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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