We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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