God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
