i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
