Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
