Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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