I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize