I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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