happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
