dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
