can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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