I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
