Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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