was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
