I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
