i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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