So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
