I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
