Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
