Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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