If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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