I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
