i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
