I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have already put on my inside pants.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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