When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
