the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Randomize
