my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
