Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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