you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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