I puked a lego.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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