Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(786): View more from Florida

Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(818): View more from California

It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag

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(330): View more from Ohio

I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now

(330): View more from Ohio

Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.

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