he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
