i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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