How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
