Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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