I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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