Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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