I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
