How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
