I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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