Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize