The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
40s are totally the cure
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
