Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
