Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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