Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
