Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Is Oprah even human
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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