I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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