I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
