Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
