This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
