Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
