I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
