Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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