if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
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