I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
