i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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